I’m glad I take chances and put myself out there. I want to find love and this is an inevitable part of the process. But what I’m just starting to realize is that risks come in degrees. There is jumping off a pool diving board and there is jumping out of a plane. Being willing to do one and not the other does not make you a huge wimp. It probably means you actually have good judgment and some sense of self-preservation.
I’m realizing I don’t have the best judgment.
About school and time management? Mostly. About my friend’s relationships? Usually. About my relationships? Not so much.
I’m someone who over thinks everything. I used to believe that this meant I was flushing out all the angles and lining up the pros and cons and ultimately arriving at the best decision possible. Well turns out the person who makes the winning argument isn’t always on the right side, and it’s especially easy to win the argument when I’m having it against an opponent I know well. Myself.
When it comes to issues where I am genuinely torn I think the internal debate really does work. But let’s stop kidding ourselves here. When it comes to boys who are cute and smart and fun I already know what I want.
Yes I am aware there are consequences that weigh against going for these boys. But if you were a kid sitting there holding an ice cream that had just been handed to you would you really not eat it because somewhere down the road it might give you a cavity? Even if that cavity lead to horrific dental mayhem and you ended up needing denchers and having to go through thousands of dollars of very painful surgery? No, of course not, you would eat the ice cream.
I pretty much always eat the ice cream, but the thing is I’m not a kid anymore and I really should know better.
I knew Samuel Whiskers was someone who used girls and threw them away and then went back for round 2. I knew he was someone who had a lot of growing up to do and had a long road to cover before he would ever commit for the long run. But I did it anyway, knowing I was vulnerable, knowing my life was put together more precariously than that dinosaur diorama I made in first grade and knowing that if I got hurt I would fall very, very hard.
So how did I talk myself into it?
Fail # 1: First I told myself I wasn’t serious about it and just wanted to have fun and mess around.
I’ve only slept with 3 people in my life, including Samuel Whiskers. I have never had sex with someone where it didn’t lead to a serious long-term relationship. Who was I kidding? Apparently only me.
Fail # 2: I already knew I liked his personality.
If I like a guy’s personality and think he’s attractive am I really going to resist wanting him to be my boyfriend? No. People who think friends with benefits works take note.
Fail # 3: When he did start acting serious and things started moving fast I just let him take the reins and figured I’d just follow along and only wade in as deep as he was going.
Why would anyone follow and rely on the relationship judgment of someone who has had nothing but hookups and 2-3 month long relationships for the past 8 years of their adult life? They obviously have no clue what they’re doing. If the first 10 trials don't work, will 11 really be any different? This seems to be a case of the blind leading the pretending to be blind.
So what do I now realize was my underlying reason for always finding a way to talk myself into these idiotic decisions? I secretly wanted to be the one.
You know, the girl who is so amazing that she changes everything and makes a guy realize that he’s been a fool and his whole life is complete now that he’s met her. Yeah, that girl doesn’t exist so no one is going to be her, including me.
As I’m learning now, change comes from looking within and being ready to be critical, harsh and to be disappointed in yourself. Someone who is waiting for the perfect girl is never going to grow and change because they don’t realize that the change needs to be made on the inside on their end.
What I need to do now is remember this truth. If a guy has a red flag up, there is a reason and I need to listen. Yes you only find love if you take risks, but that just means that even the best relationships with the best guy can bring you some pain, it doesn’t mean you should run headlong into a burning building hoping it wont collapse around you.
And what about giving people a chance and that one in a million times that a guy really can change? Well change is internal and if he really wants me and cares than he can work on changing on his own and settle for being my friend while he goes through that process. If I really am the girl who inspires that change and that effort than he will wait for me and prove to me that it has actually happened before expecting me to jump in. If he can’t wait, then he obviously doesn’t have the work ethic and patience required to become a better person who knows what they want and will be there in the long run.
I am done being some boy’s guinea pig. I’m a rabbit.