Sunday, February 20, 2011

How I love and hate you, the unexpected

I want a life of passion.  Of Tolstoyan romance that defies wars and social conventions and sanity.  The depth of love that makes all these daily responsibilities like jobs and emails and meals seem petty.
I’ve always been a person of strong emotions but I’ve never really understood why.  Maybe it’s because I also have an insatiable craving for control so that I constantly strive to limit my feelings and mold them and try to put them into neat boxes until one day they all break free like mutinous pirates or raucous zoo animals. 
But how can I live otherwise?
Those daily tasks aren’t really petty in the life I lead.  I need to make the grade, I need to wash my dishes, I need to function and I can’t do that with so much uninhibited emotional intensity constantly running rampant.  So I go through life until something or someone sneaks up on me, like a spider creeping along skin and I never know I’ve been bitten until it’s too late.
I’m not sure which I’m more afraid of, rolling back my sleeve and finding that red wheal or never having it happen at all. 

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