Sunday, February 6, 2011

Apparently carpe diem is now...

I’ve always said that New Year’s resolutions were bullshit because if you need to make a change in your life you should do it now.  Now just happened for me. 

I’m a lucky girl.  I know I’m smart, I know I’m pretty and I have the best family and friends in the world.  I’m in school for a great professional career that I’m passionate about.  I graduated from a prestigious college and I got to move to the city with many of my good college friends.  I know it seems like I have things figured out and my whole career and life neatly laid out ahead of me, but here’s the thing: I don’t. 

A guy broke up with me a week ago and it lead me to the realization that somewhere in trying to be a successful, strong and independent woman who has it all I have become a girl who measures who she is based on men. 

I got out of a very serious and destructive relationship less than a year ago and 5 months later I hopped right into a new one.  Surprise, surprise, here I am 3 months later feeling miserable and worthless once more.  

Yes I know that the guy was an unfair jerk (let’s call him Samuel Whiskers for now, he was a rat after all…).  Yes I know that I don’t need a guy who doesn’t see how amazing I am and isn’t willing to put in the work that a relationship needs.  Yes, I know that it never would have worked if that’s who he is, even if I had never made a single mistake.  But despite hearing and knowing all these things, deep in my gut I can’t help but feel that I just wasn’t good enough. 

So that begs the question, if I know I am good enough and everyone tells me I’m more than good enough than why don’t I feel that way? 
That’s what I’m here to try and answer for myself and frankly I don’t think I’m the only girl out there wondering this. 

So let me be totally honest here and admit the thing that galls my rather large ego the very most.  I’m still waiting for that email/text/call.  You know, the one that says: “I made a huge mistake and I’m so sorry and I just want you back because you really are the one.”  Pathetic? Yes.  The truth? Unfortunately. 

And the thing is that email/text/call has always come in the past.  And it always came way too late to fix anything, but despite all the drama and awful feelings that those episodes stirred up, they really did make me feel better about myself.  This is an issue.  Why do I care if those guys think I’m good enough months or even years later?  Because I think I’ve become so obsessed with becoming perfect for a guy, a guy that will hopefully turn out to be the one who fits into my white picket fence fantasy future, that I forgot to become who I wanted for me. 

So here’s to a day when I don’t get that tense feeling every time my gmail loads or my phone bings or rings.  It feels like a million years off, but I think by being honest and reflective here that day will exist.


1 comment:

  1. The page finally loaded in Costa...
    I like your blog, CTail. I never knew you were such a good writer. I hate that all of this is news to me, and that the background to your story is filling me in on time I've missed (Manhattan, huh?). And it sounds like you got dealt a raw deal, and I'm sorry about that too. But I think this sounds like a good project. Keep it up, I'll keep reading. Suerte.