Saturday, March 12, 2011

Life is still out there and I'll live it when I'm ready

I haven't been very happy lately, but I desperately want to be.

I want to have fun when I'm doing things I know are fun. 

I want to feel loved and not alone when I'm surrounded by friends.

I want to feel in control when I know I'm already doing the things I need to do when I need to do them.

I guess I want a lot of things and most of those things are based on some standard of what I think the normal person is supposed to feel or experience.  But maybe there is no normal and what I really need is a breather from all these expectations that I set for myself.

Life really is grand and the world really is beautiful, but I think it's ok to forget that sometimes because when I come back around it still will be and I'll actually be ready to appreciate that. 

Right now I'm just going through the motions.  My life is like the cliffs notes of a novel.  The basic plot and major devices are there but the real heart and soul are missing.  I have moments of clarity and joy but they tend to be effervescent.  I'd like to think that the brevity is made up for by the fact that those feelings are genuine.

I don't need to be anything, I just need to be.  When I'm ready the rest will happen.


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